the truth

Attempting to take down the Christmas decorations. 3 days working on it now and I'm still not done. Almost.

Before I even got pregnant with Ellie I wondered what it was going to be like.
Having two kids.
I knew that the workload was going to increase exponentially.
And I wondered if it was even possible for the joy
to increase just as much.
I mean, with Nicholas we were happier than we had ever been before,

Could it really get better?
Or would it just get harder?

The truth?
Yes.

This is hard. Between Nicholas's ever eager "helping" hands and Ellie's rotating sleep, eat, diaper schedule, I feel like I get nothing done.

Most nights, when we finally get Nicholas to bed right as Ellie starts to cry for her bedtime feeding frenzy, I find myself telling Kent how all I want is
just 15 minutes where no one little needs me.
I just want to be able to shower without getting out four times to replace Ellie's pacifier and without Nicholas opening the bathroom door over and over,
letting in all the cold air.

I feel guilt.  When I take care of one child, I feel guilt about the attention I feel like I should be giving to the other.  I know it will all get better and easier as the months go by,
but I feel guilt nevertheless.

I kind of feel like I don't have time to be fun anymore.
I'm too busy cleaning up after blow-out diapers, trying to stop Nicholas from wiping his nose on his sleeves (futile), calling hospitals and doctors to clear up the insurance mess we made with changing jobs right before having a baby, doing dishes and laundry over and over.

And yet somehow, I am happier.
I can't even explain it.   It's just the truth.

I love Kent more right now than I ever have.  As we work harder to take care of our children, I see how good of a father he is.  I see how incredible he is as a husband.  I see how well he takes care of and provides for our family.
I feel like now, more than ever before, we are partners and it is good.

There are moments, sometimes brief, when all is right and everyone is happy.
Like last night, right before Kent got home. The house was clean (miracle), Ellie was smiling and cooing on my lap, and I was helping Nicholas draw pictures of our family on his chalkboard.

Or the little moments when I hold my busy little boy close and remember how he felt in my arms when he was Ellie's age.  

Or this morning, when Ellie gave me her first little laugh.

Or when we went out to find a new favorite frozen yogurt place and Nicholas proved that he really does know his colors as he correctly labeled every single m&m in his bowl.

Or at bedtime, when I say goodnight to Nicholas and he whispers a very very sweet "Merry Christmas Mommy."  (He hasn't figured out that Christmas was only one day.)

I saw a quote this morning on Pinterest.
"The joy of motherhood comes in moments."  
-Elder M. Russell Ballard.

I think I'm learning that most of the time, being a mother is hard.
But when those joyful moments come, somehow that joy lasts just long enough to get you to the next good moment.